Miss Chua states three differences in parenting that distinguish the Chinese and the Western parent:
First, that the Western parent is too wrapped up in their child's self-esteem. I happen to think that there is some truth in this. In this country, we place a lot of emphasis on a child's sense of worth---in and of itself, not a bad thing; however, it can be taken to extremes. For example, there was an effort not too long ago for the schools to stop using red pens for corrections on papers and, instead, to use purple. This was thought to ease the child's anguish over getting an incorrect answer on a test or homework. What?! Someone please explain to me how a color choice can make a child feel better about getting a wrong answer. It's wrong! That's all there is to it...do it over and never mind what color was used to let you know that your answer is WRONG! On the other hand, I certainly think that the solution being to "excoriate, punish and shame the child" (Amy Chua's words) is a bit extreme. While some children deal well with the "coaching" method of parenting (i.e. a lot of yelling and blustering from a parent), some definitely fare better with a more gentle method of encouragement. This is not to say that a parent should not expect, and even demand, A's from a child. You, as parent, know exactly what that child is capable of, and should make it perfectly clear that there will be absolute focus when it comes to schoolwork. After all, as I tell my children all the time, education is their job at this time in their life.
The second difference, according to Miss Chua, is that Chinese parents think that their children owe them everything, while many Western parents (including the author's own husband) think they are owed nothing by their children. I'm thinking that this is part of the guilt factor that we have in this country. Many, many households have two parents working, at least one job apiece, to keep up with a certain standard that they have set for themselves. I once talked with a mom who actually felt guilty bringing her only son into the world because she felt inadequate about what she was able to "give" him---time for friends, time as a family. She and her husband both worked, to fulfill their own desire for worth, as well as to have nice things. All she had to do to "give" her child what they both craved was to quit work for a couple of years to spend time with him. Sure, we need to give things up in order to do this; and some families maybe can't totally give up jobs, especially in this economy. But we can make sure that the time that we have is spent as quality time with our families. Turn off the TV, cook a simple meal together, play games, talk to each other, go to church or synagogue together....be together. Your kids will love you for it, and they will feel that they owe you everything, because you gave everything that you had for them.
The last difference has to do with Chinese mothers thinking that they know what is best for their children, and overriding the child's desires and preferences. Again, some truth and common sense to this way of thinking. A lot of Westerners believe that they are their children's buddy or BFF. Nothing could be further from the truth. You are your child's parent...that means that, sometimes, your child will hate you for the decisions that you make on his/her behalf. For instance, my husband and I insisted that our second child go to college. She did not want to go to college; she does not like school. However, after her first semester, we can already see a change in her sense of who she is and her belief in what she, herself, can accomplish. As a matter of fact, she has come close, several times, to telling us that we actually may know what we are doing when it comes to raising kids!! Will wonders never cease!!
So, to sum it up: get to know your children, how they work and who they are. By spending time with them, teaching them, expecting the most of them, inflicting upon them your values, you will grow a mature adult who gives back to society and will make you proud. And they'll know how to use their Common Sense :o)
Read Amy Chua's article at www.wsj.com.
No comments:
Post a Comment